I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
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People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
A new level of troll.
john wicks are toilet candles
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics