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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
is nasa ok
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Ok but actually
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?