I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
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I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
How to wake up a Beagle
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.