Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
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When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
From my Mom
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?