*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
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Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.