Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
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Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.