[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
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[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session