Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
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Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
What is going on? 😅
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”