[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
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(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait