Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
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The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”