Seems a bit forward
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Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.