I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
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Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Breaking news:
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE