Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
this came to me in a vision
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT