You Might Also Like
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…