ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
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Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine