Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
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Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave