[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
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Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are