ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
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Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”