Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
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Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
No. He’s not coming out to play
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter