I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
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You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?