[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
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The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.