*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Name this drama.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
want me to check your oil?
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.