If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
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i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
🐕🍷
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.