*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
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There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already