“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
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Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.