Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Always…
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…