[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
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He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?