How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
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I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Look, I respect the skill. But no.