I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog