Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
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My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah