“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
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[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.