If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!