Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
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I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
LOOOOOOL
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.