Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 馃檪
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[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what鈥檚 for dinner?
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art d茅cor!
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You鈥檙e secretly
Made of bread
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My mother鈥檚 relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they鈥檒l decrypt together.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I鈥檓 a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don鈥檛
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely