On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
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Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no