Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
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RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My life coach traded me.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.