Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals