He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
the #horror is real!
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
How your email finds me
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not