WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
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You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not