Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.