I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
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Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
same energy
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.