I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
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Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Good morning y’all ☀️
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.