[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
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Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Get in loser we’re going crying
I want to meet the individual who made this
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.