I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
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A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.