To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
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mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.