I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
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*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’