SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
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Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me