LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
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My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Swedish for common sense.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies