the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
You Might Also Like
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I don’t know what to do
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
just left a huge legacy in there
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together