Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
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Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
A friend sent me this.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.